Dragon Slave not included
by Orpheus2
Summary: Just a few brief omakes I wrote for no apparent reason; the slayers crew engaged in monty python sketches. PS; I own neither the characters of the Slayers nor Monty Python, so don't sue me. Please?
1. Default Chapter

Magic Shop (Slayers Monty Python Crossover)  
  
Xellos Metallium sighed blissfully as he wiped down the counter of his mage shop. Those who knew him well enough to know how stupid trusting him was were well aware of his own particular vices. His sole purpose in life (serving Zelax Metallium didn't count, as it was a foregone conclusion) was his hunger. Feeding off all that delightful emotion that humans put out. Some demons (who usually had tentacles) fed of fear, terror, and embarrassment. His own personal favorite was Anger. That was the real reason he hung around Lina Inverse and her friends; Lina's own anger, with that pleasant aftertaste of irrationality was so delicious.  
  
He smiled as Valgaav stepped into the shop, a cage carved out of Cefeid's Hawthorne in his hand. Part of a healthy diet is that you need variety. That was why he liked Valgaav too. His own anger was geared slightly more towards sullen, but its intensity was way beyond what even Lina could manifest. Not that feeding off Valgaav was without risks; he was one of the handful of beings that Xellos had reason to fear. An ancient dragon reborn as a Mazoku, he had enough raw power to easily fry Xellos's astral form to ethereal waste.  
  
Still, the taste was so much better with just a hint of danger. "Can I help you?"  
  
Valgaav glared at him. "I have a complaint about this drakeling you sold me."  
  
Xellos tutted. Being raised by Filia had caused him to keep his anger under far greater control. No way he would get a decent meal without riling him up some more. "Oh I'm terribly sorry, but my lunch break is now."  
  
He regretted it as Valgaav's draconic arm shot out, firmly latching onto his astral form. "You don't eat. Sit." He let go, but the threat was clearly there. Stay or get shredded with absolutely no remorse. "Now then, about this drakeling."  
  
"Oh yes, the Stygian Gray. So what seems to be the problem with it?"  
  
Valgaav glared at him. "Are you blind? He's dead!"  
  
Xellos very carefully refrained from letting his smile widen. "Oh no, he's just resting."  
  
Valgaav rolled his eyes. So the run around. Fine. "Look Mazoku, I know a dead drakeling when I see one and I'm looking at one right here."  
  
"Oh no, no, no. He's just resting. Truly remarkable creatures, the Stygian Grays. Lovely scales..."  
  
"The scales have nothing to do with it, he's stone dead!"  
  
"No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. He's resting."  
  
Valgaav bit back the desire to start blasting, as it would make Filia rather unhappy with him. Not that that would be too bad; she never tried to hurt him. Still, he did care about her happiness. So, a demonstration was in order. "Fine then. If he's resting, I'll just wake him up." He opened the cage and grabbed the limp, room temperature winged lizard and brought its ear holes to his mouth. "HELLO MR. DRAKEY! I'VE GOT SOME DEE- LICIOUS ROCK WORMS FOR YOU!"  
  
The head jerked upward. "See, he just moved," Xellos said amicably.  
  
"No he didn't, you just hit him with a magic tug."  
  
"Certainly not..."  
  
"Yes you did!" Taking a deep breathe, he continued in a rather more...stentorian fashion. "HELLO DRAKEY!" He began smacking its head like it was one of those...what were they called? Oh yeah, microphones. "TESTING! TESTING! THIS IS YOUR NINE O'CLOCK ALARM CALL!" Grasping it by the tail, he began rhythmically banging it against the counter... GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK, GA-GUNK! ...a few alternating whacks between his feet and the counter... THAP! GUNK! THAP! ...and finished off by tossing it into the air and letting it flop onto the ground. He leaned onto the counter, giving Xellos a gamine stare. "Now that's what I call a dead drake."  
  
Xellos bit back a grimace. He was most decidedly NOT cooperating. Well, if there was one thing that Xellos had mastered, it was annoying other people. "...no it's stunned."  
  
Valgaav face-faulted at that. "STUNNED?!"  
  
Xellos nodded reasonably. "Yeah! You stunned it just as he was waking up."  
  
Not noticing the furrows his fingers were digging into the counter, Valgaav started sputtering. "N...now look Metallium, that thing is definitely deceased, and when I purchased not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement...was due to it being tired following a prolonged gout of hellfire."  
  
Okay, he was getting steamed. Time to turn up the idiocy factor. "Why he's...he's probably pining for the fjords."  
  
Replay face-fault. "Pining for the fjords?! What kind of talk is that?! Look, why'd he fall flat on his back the moment I got him back to the shop?!"  
  
"Stygian grays prefer lying on their backs. Remarkable creatures. Beautiful scales."  
  
Don't kill him, don't kill him, don't kill him... With a visible effort, Valgaav got himself back under control. "Look Metallium, I took the liberty of examining that lizard, and I found that the only reason it had been on its perch in the first place...was that you had nailed it there."  
  
Almost there... "Well of course he was nailed down." He drew himself up purposefully. You learn that (whether you want to or not) hanging around Amelia. "If I hadn't nailed that thing down, it would have muscled up those bars...bent them apart with its fangs...and, VOOOOOOM!"  
  
"VOOOOOM?! Xellos, this thing wouldn't VOOM if you pumped a Digger Volt through him! He's #*$@-ing demised!"  
  
"No, he's pining!"  
  
That's it. Come to think of it, Filia would probably be more worried if I hadn't pounded Xellos than if I did; too much changes and such. His hand shot out, grabbing Xellos by the hair. "HE'S NOT PINING (WHAM!), HE'S PASSED ON! (WHAM!) THIS DRAKE (WHAM!) IS NO MORE! (WHAM!) HE HAS CEASED TO BE! (WHAM!) HE'S EXPIRED (WHAM!) AND GONE ON TO THE LORD OF NIGHTMARES! (WHAM) HE'S A STIFF! (WHAM!) BEREFT OF LIFE (WHAM!), HE RESTS IN PEACE! (WHAM!) IF YOU HADN'T NAILED HIM INTO THE CAGE HE'D BE PUSHING UP DAISIES! (WHAM!) HE'S RUN DOWN THE CURTAIN (WHAM!) SHUFFLED OFF HIS MORTAL COIL (WHAM!) AND JOINED THE BLEEDING CHOIR INVISIBLE! (WHAM!) HIS METABOLIC PROCESSES ARE NOW HISTORY! (WHAM!) THIS...(WHAM!) IS AN EX-...(WHAM!) DRAKELING! (WHAM!)  
  
(Author's note: We would like to take this moment to make something perfectly clear. Those whams are not punches, knee strikes, back spinning hook kicks, capoeira helicopter spins, or tiger claw kung-fu palm attacks. Valgaav is slamming Xellos's head into the counter, which incidentally was deliberately reinforced for just such occurrences.)  
  
Xellos slowly peeled his head out of the counter. Like any true gourmand or virtuoso, he had to suffer ridiculously for his vices. "Well, I suppose I should replace it then."  
  
For the third time in as many minutes, Valgaav face-faulted. At this point, he turns to us and says tiredly, "You want something from a Monster, you have to argue 'til you're blue in the face."  
  
Xellos reappeared. "So sorry, but I don't seem to have any more grays. Can I interest you in anything..."  
  
What happened next? Let's just say that Lina and Sylphiel aren't the only people who know the Dragon Slave. (Even other dragons can use it.)  
The end of this particular little sketch. Hopefully, more to come. It's based on a Monty Python sketch called Pet Shop, involving a parrot rather than a drakeling. I also hope to use Candy Store, and various elements from the Life of Brian (particularly the womb sketch) and The Holy Grail.  
  
Chuck Scholle - author, big-headed Korean, and generally disturbed Otaku.  
Equal Rights  
  
Lina managed to suppress a groan/yawn as Philionel continued in his debates with the various other dignitaries. That and tried to figure out why she and the rest of the 'gang' was included in a law-making session of Seyruun. Though knowing Phil, it was due to his being convinced that she, Zelgadis, Gourry, Filia, Valgaav, and Xellos (she didn't think anyone had bothered to mention that he was a Mazoku) were 'righteous avatars of JUSTICE!' Amelia was probably just glad to see friends (besides, if Lina was here she wasn't torching/dragon slaving anyone.)  
  
Phil drew himself up ponderously. "Now see here Martina. I think it important that a good set of basic rights be universally accepted."  
  
Martina harumphed at the bear-like 'pacifist.' She would have vastly preferred chasing Zangulus or making some more cursed whatsis. "So what do you consider necessary?"  
  
"I believe that all men..."  
  
"And women," Xellos added.  
  
"...and women," Phil amended, "should have the right to face a council or jury of their fellow men..."  
  
"Or women," Xellos broke in again.  
  
(Pause). "...Or women in...um..."  
  
Zelgadis frowned. "Spit it out already." Phil smiled nervously, scratching his head. "I lost my place."  
  
THWAM!  
  
Valgaav was the first to drag himself off the floor following a mass face- fault. "Xellos...I'm curious, but why did you find it necessary for such an obsession over women?"  
  
He was not the only one to get a BAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDD feeling over Xellos's blush. Just about everyone save Phil and Martina mentally braced themselves for his answer.  
  
"Because I want to be one."  
  
THWAM!  
  
Some things you just can't defend against.  
  
Zelgadis needed about thirty seconds to yank his metal, nail-like hair out of the table. That accomplished, he gave Xellos a tired look. "Xellos, I know beyond a shadow of any possible doubt I'm going to regret asking this but...WHY do you want to be a woman?"  
  
Xellos fidgeted nervously for a few seconds before answering. "I want to have babies."  
  
(I'm getting tired of using THWAM!'s, so just be aware of yet another group face-fault.)  
  
Filia gave the self-proclaimed Trickster Priest an arch look. She knew him a lot better than she would have liked to, and could tell several things not readily obvious to your average human (or golem/demon/human chimera.) Considering that as a Mazoku he could reproduce just by creating astral split-offs, she could tell he was just trying to get rises out of them. On the other hand, she knew better than to try and stop this; the best she could do was hope this didn't degrade into the magical equivalent of a shoot-out. Best to get some protection spells ready just in case.  
  
Lina stared at the Mazoku incredulously. Normally when he pulled this kind of stuff she zapped him with a fire ball. This? This was both weird and slightly creepy. "Um Xellos, you can't have babies."  
  
"Don't you oppress me!"  
  
Lina paused to reset her jaw (at some point during this little exchange it had reached her navel). "I'm not oppressing you, you just can't have babies."  
  
"Well why not?"  
  
"Why not?! Because...um..."  
  
"It's physically impossible," Zelgadis supplied, wrenching his view away from the entertainment supplied by Martina's reaction (she'd had a thing for Xellos once, remember? Interesting twist on this, huh?) "You don't have a womb."  
  
"So?"  
  
Valgaav grabbed the chimera's hood to prevent any more holes in the table. "So where's the fetus supposed to gestate? What, you going to keep it in a cardboard box?"  
  
"Mr. Xellos..." This time, even Philionel winced at the googly shining eyes Amelia currently had. "Oh father, how can we deny such a heartfelt, innocent desire? In the name of Justice, all people must be given the right to give birth!"  
  
Gourry idly wondered when Lina had learned Soun Tendo's Demon Head technique. "Amelia, are you high?! (1) WHY would you give someone the right to do something they physically can't do?"  
  
The princess recovered quickly. "A symbolic gesture, Miss Lina! For love," (Xellos winced), "Justice," (here he grimaced), "and the beauty of life!" (and finished off with a hacking cough.)  
  
Gourry moaned, rubbing his forehead. "A symbolic gesture of you people's struggle against reality," he muttered, ignoring the face-fault of the crowd as he blatantly stepped all over Zelgadis's (Or possibly Valgaav's) lines.  
  
"My head hurts," Lina moaned from the floor.  
  
(1). You know, this would explain a LOT. Think about it. 


	2. The Taleof Sir Xellos

The Tale of Sir Xellos (Or monsters in Swamp Castle).  
  
Martina sighed in bliss as she stared across the view of the recently restored kingdom of Xoana. So what if the only available land for their capital was some god-forsaken bayou? It was still ALL HERS! And soon, her realm would be made stronger by far than anything she could have imagined. "Just imagine dear. Someday, this will all be yours."  
  
"What the curtains?"  
  
"NO NOT THE CURTAINS!" She snapped at him. "All the LAND! EVERYthing you can see; it will all be yours."  
  
Her petulant son glared at her sullenly. He wasn't all that much to look at; five foot eight, stringy dirty brown hair, ordinary brown eyes, and a pasty complexion. "But father..."  
  
"Mother, I'm your mother dear."  
  
Herbert sighed. "But mother, I don't want any of that."  
  
"Listen!" she interrupted what she recognized to be the start of a Grade 'A' whine. "When I first came here, there was nothing but swamp. People said I was daft to build a castle here, but I built it anyway just to show them all." She made a slight concession to 'them.' "It sank into the swamp. So I built a second one. It sank into the swamp. So I built a third one." She winced at the memory; it had taken Zangulus weeks to get her properly consoled (wink-wink, nudge-nudge). "That one burned down, fell over, and THEN sank into the swamp. BUT THE FOURTH ONE STAYED UP!" She unleashed a grand gesture. "And THAT'S what you're getting. The strongest, most beautiful, and most blessed castle in this entire world!"  
  
Herbert stared listlessly around at the rough, poorly finished rock that made small, dank, moist, and smelly rooms. Blessed are the outcasts; that was the only thing he could think of that would justify Martina's statement. "But mother, I don't want any of that. I'd rather..."  
  
"Rather what?" Martina asked snippishly.  
  
"I'd rather...just...Sing..." He smiled dreamily as music swelled around him.  
  
"STOP THAT, STOP THAT! You're not doing a song while I'm still here." Martina glared at her would-be Liberace son as the music died dischordantly. "Now look here! In ten minutes, you're going to marry a girl, who's father owns some of the richest land plots in the world!"  
  
"But I don't want any land..."  
  
"Listen, Alice - "  
  
He frowned comically. "Herbert."  
  
Martina winced. "Herbert. We live in a bloody swamp. We need all the land we can get our grubby little hands on!"  
  
Can't refute that. But... "But I don't like her."  
  
"Don't like her?! What's WRONG with her?! She's rich - " Martina winced at the potential lie. "Beautiful; she's got HUGE...tracts of land."  
  
Herbert shrugged. Big 'tracts of land' weren't always a draw - just look at what they did for his mother. "I know that. But," he paused as the music began swelling once more. "I want the girl I marry to have that certain...special...something..."  
  
Martina shot in front of the screen, her hands waving. "CUT THAT OUT! CUT IT OUT!" Glaring impotently at her son, she grabbed him by the lapels. "Now look here. You're marrying the princess Lucy of Elmekia. SO GET USED TO THE IDEA!" Dropping him, she turned back to the door, summoning guards.  
  
Herbert watched as she tried to convey the fairly simple concept of 'don't let my son leave until I get him' to a pair who had a collective IQ of approximately four.  
  
It provided the perfect interval to send off a note of pleaing.  
  
--------  
  
Zelgadis glared irritably at his shadow. Or close enough. "For the last time, WHY are you following me around like this?"  
  
Xellos shrugged unconcernedly. "Oh, nothing better to do. No real plots to plot to try and increase our power, no secrets to drive you all insane by keeping. So I'm just bugging you for lack of a better thing to do."  
  
Zelgadis sighed a mushroom puff. So far Xellos hadn't done anything beyond follow him around like some kind of sadistic version of a lost puppy. Still, it wouldn't last. If it did, then that would be interrupted soon enough by Hell freezing over and the world ending.  
  
Fortunately for all concerned, it actually ended with a clothyard shaft impacting his head. A clothyard shaft bearing some kind of small scroll. "Oh, lovely message service."  
  
Xellos pounced, knocking Zelgadis to the ground as he grabbed the scroll. Incidentally standing on top of the currently resigned if irate chimera.  
  
"To whosoever finds this note, I have been...imprisoned by my mother, who wishes me to marry against my will...please, please, please come and rescue me...tall tower in swamp castle."  
  
Xellos adopted a state of mock woe. "Oh, what horrors these cruel heavens and cold stars do inflict upon such poor, fair, maids. Oh, that I could fight this travesty with mine own two hands, but what friend would allow himself to champion the one who slayed his greatest, truest friend the noble Zelgadis?"  
  
"I'm not dead yet, you moron."  
  
Xellos winced at the rejoinder, but countered quickly by mashing his foot over the chimera's mouth. "Oh brave Zelgadis, to see hope in even so bleak a circumstance. Yet lies before me are of no avail; it is clear that though death has been staved off for these mere moments, the wound's fatal touch shall claim thee soon enou..."  
  
Zelgadis irritably torched him with a fireball to get the incongruously Shakespearean mazoku off his face. "Are you stoned or are you just trying to tick me off? I'm part golem, remember; it takes a LOT more than an arrow to finish me off." Grumbling under his breath about lunatic trickster priests, he started off.  
  
Xellos clucked his tongue, shaking his head at the retreating chimera. They both knew that a simple fireball wasn't enough to do more than distract him; it was more the action than the true intention of harm. Watching the chimera run off, Xellos shrugged nonchalantly. "Ah well. May as well go save this...whoever it is." He brightened suddenly, as it occured to him that he could complete the rescue in such a manner as to generate maximum suffering.  
  
Maybe it wouldn't be a total waste after all.  
  
--------  
  
The guards didn't last long against the gleefully cackling mazoku as he shredded his way through the castle of Xoana. Neither did the handful of wedding guests, caterers, or entertainers that got between him and...well actually just got in his way period.  
  
Neither did the guards at the door as he burst in, kneeling on the floor. "Oh fair one, your humble servant The Trickster Priest, here to serve your..." he paused as he noticed for the first time his would-be damsel in distress's gender. "Oh, terribly sorry. Must have burst through the wrong door."  
  
Herbert stared at him in awe. "You got my note!"  
  
Xellos sweat-dropped as the prince leapt up to clasp his hands. Contrary to the beliefs of many fanfic authors, he wasn't (at least not in this version of the universe) inclined towards either yaoi or shonen-ai. As such, this was both unprecedented as well as slightly creepy. "Uh...I got A note..."  
  
Unshaken from his path, Herbert continued gushing. "I KNEW you'd come!" He leapt to the window sill as music began swelling. "I knew that somehow, there would be someone out there, who..."  
  
Martina burst into the room. "CUT THAT OUT THIS INSTANT! I SAID NO SINGING!" She turned to the room's occuptants. "Who are you?"  
  
"I'm your son..."  
  
"NOT YOU!"  
  
Xellos scratched his head, his smile turning strained. "Oh, hi Martina. It's been a while, hasn't it."  
  
The princess of Xoana blinked in surprise at the sight, but shrugged it off. He'd been at the wedding, and she wasn't interested anymore; his presence would be tolerated. "Did YOU kill all those guards?"  
  
Xellos paused, trying to recollect his berserker assault. "OH! Yeah, sorry about that."  
  
Martina waved his considerations aside. "They cost fifty gold pieces each?! What were you thinking?!"  
  
Xellos rushed to placate her. "Well, you see the thing is that I thought your son was actually a female..."  
  
"I can understand that!" she grumped.  
  
"Oh, don't worry Xellos!" Herbert leapt into action, grabbing a huge bundle of cloth from his bed. "I've got a rope all ready!"  
  
"SHUT UP!" Martina snapped. "You just killed the bride's father is all."  
  
Xellos winced. That couldn't have been diplomatic. "Well I really didn't mean to."  
  
"DIDN'T MEAN TO; YOU RAMMED YOUR STAFF THROUGH HIS HEAD?!"  
  
Xellos's wince deepened. "Oh dear..."  
  
"Hurry Xellos! Hurry!"  
  
Martina groaned as she rubbed her head. "This is going to cost us a fortune..."  
  
Xellos shrugged. He'd gotten his meal on the terror and such inspired by a would-be angel of death/mercy (he wasn't sure WHAT this rescue fell under), and now had to clean up. Normally he'd just get Lina and Zelgadis to do it, but they weren't here. And only an idiot wastes his meal. "Um...well you see, I was heading south from Seyruun when..."  
  
Martina perked up almost instantly. "Seyruun? You uh...you still have fairly good connections with Seyruun?"  
  
Xellos nodded slowly. "Sure. I'm still on a first-name basis with Princess Amelia and Phil."  
  
"Hurry Xellos! I'm ready to be rescued!"  
  
Martina slowly digested this new information. "Lovely uh, lovely land up near Seyruun. Wonderful pig country, you know."  
  
Xellos sweat-dropped. "I'll uh...take your word for it."  
  
"Would you like to have a drink?"  
  
Xellos shrugged, not particularly caring about the rapid and slightly odd change of pace. "That's...awfully decent of you."  
  
Martina paused just long enough to slice apart the rope supporting her waste of protoplasm son before leading the way. "Any preferences?"  
  
Xellos shrugged, ignoring the muffled 'OOMPH' in the background as Herbert struck the ground. "None really. You know, I really do have to apologize; it's just that when I'm in that particular idiom, I tend to get a bit...well, carried away..."  
  
Outside was a decidedly different scene, those unwounded crying desperately as they tried to patch up the victims of Xellos's little rampage.  
  
"...Of course, I want to tear this all out, get some masons to refinish the work," Martina continued conversationally as they exited the tower to reach the courtyard.  
  
"THERE HE IS!!!" one of the wedding guests howled.  
  
Martina paused as she literally saw the bloodthirst spring into their eyes. "Oh bloody hell."  
  
Xellos similarly paused as the attack began, instincts of self-preservation activating  
  
Then he smiled.  
  
Martina whacked the monster upside the head. "NOW CUT THAT OUT!"  
  
Xellos winced at her. "Sorry, sorry. You see what I mean, I just get carried away..."  
  
"HE KILLED MY OLD MAN!" one of the villagers howled in rage.  
  
Zangulus popped up to work damage/crowd control; he was a bit more adept at it than Martina was. "People...people, please! This is supposed to be a HAPPY occasion. Let's not bicker, and argue about," his voice turned mocking, "'who killed who.'"  
  
"HE'S MURDERED THE BEST MAN!"  
  
Zangulus raised a calming hand. "Now people, listen to me. This...is Lord Xellos Metallium. A very brave, powerful, and INFLUENTIAL man among the court of Seyruun." He continued, making things up on the fly as they occured to him. "Now, he came here to redress what he considered a great wrong, and we shall respect him no less for his...shall we say misinterpretation? We're here to celebrate!"  
  
The people started murmuring at that, in no small part do the 'influential' part of Zangulus's speech. The kingdom of Xoana was hardly founded on altruism. The no-longer-so-crazed-swordsman raised a hand for quiet again. "However, in this time of sorrow, we have suffered loss. For my son Alice, er, Herbert, has just fallen to his death from the Tall Tower." He broke into the sorrowful murmurs again. "But, I don't want to think so much that I've lost a son so much as...gained a daughter."  
  
He gestured to the rather ox-like young woman sobbing in the courtyard. "For with the death of princess Lucy's father - "  
  
"HE'S NOT QUITE DEAD!" someone crowed from the back.  
  
Zangulus froze, rewording his speech a bit. "Since the near-fatal WOUNDING of her father - "  
  
"IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO PULL THROUGH!"  
  
Martina curtly jerked her head towards the old man as Zangulus began for a third time, taking her actions into acount. "The dear princess Lucy, who's father, just when it seemed that he might recover felt the icy hand of death upon him..." He smiled at the resulting death rattle and the murmurs of, 'oh, he's quite dead now, false alarm,' returning to his speech. "I would like to take it upon myself to raise her, in short; I want her to look at me and Martina as her parents...in a very real, and legally binding sense."  
  
At the murmurs of wonder following his pronouncement, he continued, getting quite into his speech. "And thus, shall we celebrate the merger, er, marriage, of the Princess Lucy to the brave...DANGEROUS Xellos Metallium..."  
  
The trickster priest felt himself face-fault. "WHAT?!"  
  
Martina leaned forward, growling into his ear, "what, you didn't think we were going to let you completely off the hook?"  
  
He was spared an answer by the outcries of, "LOOK! It's the dead prince!"  
  
"He's not quite dead yet!"  
  
Herbert shook his head at the last comment from his place in Zelgadis's arms. "Oh, I actually feel much better."  
  
Martina wasn't aware of the grooves her nails were carving in the balcony as she glared at her inconveniently alive son. "YOU FELL OUT OF THE TALL TOWER, YOU CREEP!"  
  
"I know, but I was saved at the last minute," Herbert murmurred pathetically.  
  
"HOW?!"  
  
He smiled faintly as Zelgadis put him on the table. "Well I'll tell you," he proclaimed as a festive tune sprang up, the villagers joining in to form a chorus.  
  
Martina felt the blood drain from her face. "Not like that, NOT LIKE THAT!"  
  
Zelgadis shook his head as the singing began. "Well, you coming or not?" Not that he wanted the priest around, but if he was tormenting Zelgadis, he wasn't tormenting Lina, an occurence that usually resulted in a massive drop in property values.  
  
Xellos shook his head. "No no, it's not right for my Idiom. I must escape in a far more mysterious and at the same time incomprehensibly annoying fashion!"  
  
"Actually, according to Amelia this is where you make a dashing, heroic, and dramatic exit."  
  
Xellos paused, but shrugged it off. "Eh. If she insists; she knows this stuff a LOT better than I do." Ignoring the singing, the nigh-psychotic Martina, and the apparently depressed Zangulus, he grabbed one of the ropes that had been used to hoist some kind of temporary chandelier, and with a "HEYAH!" swung across the ramparts.  
  
Then swung back.  
  
And forth.  
  
And back.  
  
And forth.  
  
"Uh...I don't suppose that someone could give me a push?" 


	3. The modern Trickster General

Author's Note: I know this isn't a monty python sketch. Still, it's Gilbert and Sullivan, and it's random silliness index is Quite high, so I think that's good enough.  
  
I am the very model of a modern trickster general  
  
I've served the lord of nightmares, and the greater beast (both lords of hell)  
  
As eons passed I've raised annoying others to a form of art  
  
Oh hearing screams of frothing irritation truly warms my heart.  
You'd never think from my appearance I've commanded demon hordes  
  
Or sighed in bliss while massacring golden dragons, fifty-score  
  
Just ask me any question "That's a SECRET!" is my stock reply  
  
But with experience you'll figure out my meanings, by and by.  
I'm well acquainted with the legends of the war of monster's fall  
  
Because I got to act on genocidal urges, what a ball  
  
And when my eyes are opened from their normal slits it's plain to see  
  
I'm getting ready to unleash a a fit of laughing evilly.  
I'm quite adept at making Lina want to tear me limb from limb  
  
By sending her and company through hell-holes on my slightest whim  
  
The most that they'll concede is that with me around it's never dull  
  
In short I am the model of a modern trickster general  
Despite my demon heritage some poeple think me quite the catch  
  
My one conclusion is that only idiots would try to match  
  
Me up with people like Amelia, Filia, and Sylphiel  
  
And pervs who think Zelgadis is my lover please go straight to hell  
Some people think I'm yaoi, and that Valgaav is my eye-candy  
  
Apparently they aren't aware that mazoku in love can't be;  
  
We feed on pain and suffering, though rage is also very nice  
  
Served up with loathing, irritation, hatred and a side of rice...  
I don't know why on earth I'm singing to this imbecilic tune  
  
I can only conclude that still it's better than a Sailor Moon  
  
I may not have her followings, or shine with love and victory  
  
But which of us is cooler, sappy Serena or evil me?  
We made it through three seasons (start to wave the fans of victory)  
  
Unfortunately I only appeared in seasons two and three  
  
It's not as though I'm bitter, and I wish you all a fond farewell  
  
I am the very model of a modern trickster general! 


End file.
